Mass Conquest
by Yet Another Pseudonym
Summary: Joshua Shepard, Earthborn sole survivor, paragon, hero, savior, and unrepentant Casanova faces Cerberus.  Can he save the galaxy one bed at a time?   Apologies for the resend of Ch. 16, to any who have alerts...
1. Norwegian Wood

_Hell of a dream. Wish I could have more like this._

She hovered over him, baby blues squinting. She glimmered pale white in the glaring light, an angel. A hot-lipped angel with… _Holy shit, look at that chest! Water balloon central!_ His heart slammed as her voice came to him through water. _She's Aussie. Aussies look damn hot in a bikini, but that suit she's wearing's almost as good. _He'd never felt blood flow right _there_ in a dream, even if his teenage sheets had told him otherwise. Oh yeah, hell of a dream, all right.

_Goddamn! Who's the hideous bald dude? And why did he have to fuck up my dream?_

"Give him the sedative!"

_Come here, angel. I'm ready for you! Really ready, heh._

"Shepard, don't try to move."

_Oh, hell yes! Bring those gazongas this way, baby!_

But they hovered out of reach even as he swore his hand was about to make contact. She shoved his hand down. Why did dreams have to be just like real life?

_Underside of the chin's a little round, but… Damn, baby, look at that cleavage! … that I can't reach anymore. Why do you hate me, God?_

"It's not working."

Ugly dude hovered just out of view, and his angel followed and turned her back.

_Booty-licious! I'd like to get her floatin' on my ocean. Come back, baby, come back. Let me see your crack!_

He was never this good at rhyming in real life. He'd tried enough with Liara, and even though she worshipped the ground he walked on, she still snickered at him when he popped off a quick poem. _I might embrace eternity with you, Shepard, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to you try to make words rhyme for no reason._ Ash would have appreciated the rhyme—wasn't she into poetry?—if he hadn't left her behind with the nuke. But she didn't like threesomes anyway, and she would have popped a cap off in that round, round ass.

_And he busts the ugly meter record. Damn, baby, get that ass back here! Lemme put some juice in that caboose! Wait, why's it going… Oh… Yes… Perky… very perky…_

"… run the numbers again."

_Angels don't talk about numbers. Oh damn, look at those lips, and look at the pretty lights. Oh…_


	2. Waygup!

"Way—"

_Ooo, pretty!_ The lights were back, hazy and bright, but where was she?

"—gup, Commander!"

Her voice sounded just as funny as his head felt. Like it was stuffed with cotton, with a hearty side dose of splitting goddamned pain and spikes driven into his jaw.

"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now!"

_No, fuck you! I don't give a damn just how squishy your boobs are. Just let me sleep._

"This facility is under attack."

She still sounded funny. Electronic, almost. Wait, under attack? What? Was it really too much to ask to wake up in bed without things trying to kill him? Just what he needed, another Akuze. _What is it this time, another damned maw? Just fucking great._

He forced his eyes open and wiggled his jaw in his hands, hoping to rub the spikes away. At least he could open his mouth, and his hands more or less did what his brain asked them to.

"Your scars aren't healed but I need you to get moving."

_Wait, I have __**scars**__ now? What the hell did you people do to me? I bet it was Ugly who mauled my face._

"This facility is under attack."

_Yeah, yeah, I get it, Tits, the facility is under attack. Just like everything's always under attack around me. I mean, what are they, 36DD or DDD? Wait, that's almost worth defending!_

He sat up and tried to take in the blank and sterile surroundings. Medical equipment, he guessed, and a lot of it. At least he thought it was medical equipment. Things got a little blurry when he tried to remember back to Medic 101 training on Arcturus. Liara had once teased him about his reliance on little more than his guns. _I'm not some fancy-schmancy biotic ballerina like you or Kaidan. I shoot things. Dead. With bullets. Sometimes even with modded rounds if I'm feeling lazy._

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!"

_I'm supposed to kill things with a pistol? That's it? Nothing heavier? You know, maybe even something like a damned pansy shotgun?_

"Hurry, Shepard!"

He squinted and barely made out the locker in the glare. _Fine, damn, I'm coming. What the hell?_

"You have to get the pistol, Shepard!"

"Working on it, damn! You know, if you want people to do what you want, you should find a better way to wake 'em up than shrieking over the radio like a damned banshee." He didn't care if what he said might make it harder to bang her later. Aussie accents didn't get sexier when they screeched at full bitch volume.

And then he had to strip the ugly wrong-colored casuals off to shove on a suit of the most boring and badly reconstructed N7 armor he'd ever seen. _You guys have all this medical equipment and you can't even build a good suit of armor?_ But they hadn't exactly seen fit to give him any painkillers either, as the stabbing behind his eyes attested.

"Hurry, Shepard!"

"Fuck off." That sure wasn't going to help him later. _Whatever._

"You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapon and armor!"

"This pistol doesn't have a thermal clip." _Dumbshits. Always keep your clips with your weapons. Unless you're goddamned stupid._

"Keep your head down, Shepard. Shield yourself from the blast!"

_Wait, blast? What the hell?_ But he ducked behind a glass partition, if only to keep her from bitching at him for a couple of seconds. And just in time, too, as the flames shot over his head. _Great._

"Someone's hacking security trying to kill you. Look for a thermal clip for your pistol."

"Or you could have just kept them with the fucking gun, moron."

Morons. Yup, whoever these people were, they had more than a simple case of the stupids. This was a case bordering on the _chronic_: they kept their clips on the floor near the door. He shoved the clip in as more static came over the speaker.

"They've erected a barrier…"

And then a mech was shooting at him. Well, better a mech than a maw, since shooting a pistol at one of those things would be like trying to kill a krogan with a mosquito. When this was all over, and he held Ms. Squawky-Tits in his arms, he'd laugh. He was sure of it, just before he buried his face between their proud perkiness and his hands in the deep cushion of her rear.


	3. Over Budget

Miranda stared at the security monitors in a room too far from the shuttle for comfort and shook her head. _The Illusive Man's going to have my head. I was supposed to restore him to spec, but I must have screwed up his voice._

The voice jarred her just as the personality did. She thought from the few holos she'd seen of the man in action that his face reminded her of the Indian head side of an old Buffalo nickel she'd seen in a museum. She'd guessed him a weird hybrid of native North American and Eskimo, which is why the pale grey-blue eyes took her thoroughly by surprise. She'd spent weeks trying to mix the appropriate blend of pigments for the synthetics that covered his cybernetic eyes, and she'd patted herself on the back once she saw the competed results. And rightfully so.

But the voice. No, that couldn't be the correct voice. Not for a man built larger than Jacob was, with bulkier arms and abdominal muscles so prominent they reminded her of a bookshelf. Or for a man with a face that seemed more dignified than even ancient portraits of European royalty.

_I should have spent a few more credits and gotten the enhanced vocal cord tuner._

Because his voice was reedy. Thin. It sounded like a math teacher's voice, prim, proper and emotionless. And Canadian. Very Canadian. _I must have adjusted those cords wrong, though they must be correct from the readings of his genetic material._ She'd imagined his voice to be resonant and booming, not quiet and reasonable. Well, except for his words.

_I'm trying to help my investment survive here, and the best he can give me is, "Fuck off?" "Fuck off?" This is the man who killed Saren and helped stop the Reaper invasion? This is all a joke. It must be._

Maybe if she'd allocated a few more credits toward upgrading the re-sequencing machine, the man's clear mental degradation might have been repairable. _You were over-budget. The Illusive Man, no matter how clear his objectives, and how much he despises failure, loathes spending credits for no discernible reason._

"Here come the mechs. Use the grenade launcher to take them out."

"Look, lady. I don't know who the hell you are, but if I use the grenade launcher I'm going to ignite those tanks…"

"Just use the launcher! They'll slaughter you if you stick with that damned pistol."

"Fine. Moron."

At least he had the courtesy to shoot a grenade before he started rambling on and on about how he was right about the tanks blowing up. It was only a jet of flame, and if he moved his sorry behind through it…

"Take the elevator down one floor."

"You mean I have to…"

"Just do it."

"Hello, flames! Fire!"

"TAKE THE ELEVATOR DOWN…"

That got the man moving. Slowly. And the elevator sure took its time as well. And, dammit, the mechs were on their way! Three rooms over… She didn't have much time.

"Hurry! Get to the door! Run!"

"If I hadn't used the grenades…"

"Run, you idiot!" She tried to keep the insult from leaving her lips, but two years of almost impossible work, combined with ridiculous deadlines, and the knowledge that colonies vanished while she tinkered away on the genetic sequences of a crispy, ruined corpse… Well, she'd lost control long before with that lunatic, Wilson, questioning her every move.

And he moved his (tight) ass, finally, using the enhanced speed modifications she'd spent weeks weaving into his DNA.

"You're doing fine, Shepard. Head to the next room, and I'll meet you by…"

Static.

"Shepard, do you read me? I've got mechs closing in on my position, and I've got to move!"

Nothing. She'd lost sight of him on the monitor as her view diminished to wavy lines. Damn that Wilson! She knew…

_No time to think—you have to run if you're going to make it to the shuttles and secure them for Shepard. Now!_

She let her SMG do the talking and overloaded as many mechs as she could before the position she held became indefensible.


	4. Too Bumpy

_Sorry to jump ahead, but I was dying to write this._

Heaven seemed less heavenly with the assassin around. He had once been brushed, winked at, groped, and even fondled once, though his crotch plate had kept him from feeling it. An ordinary human might have found the onslaught of endless blue hands intimidating or frustrating, but he knew each of those hands came attached to a very nubile, endlessly, agelessly wise hottie who could not only give him endless reasons to moan, but would also share her own reasons to moan in his mind. And their boobs defied gravity! Even that gravelly Matriarch bartender had a nice pair he wouldn't mind taking for a spin.

But heads didn't turn toward him anymore as they made their way to the transit hub, and not even the endlessly speculating asari looked his way. A shame, because he still felt the impression of her finger as it had caressed the barely guarded spot next to his spine. Warm, sensual, and with the promise of eternity…

_You seem almost cavalier about your safety, Shepard._

_Safety?_

_If a blade had been attached to that finger, or the asari had pushed just a little to the right, you'd be disabled._

_You're a little paranoid, Thane._

_Someone has to be._

No, the heads stared at the green man in his flowing, tailored assassin-coat. _I should get me one of those!_ Eyes lingered on his huge lips. _But I have those! And they're shaped better, at least according to Liara._ The hands didn't reach, but he caught more than one or two blue women with their eyes fixated on the scaly green expanse of chest the assassin seemed intent upon flashing to the entire galaxy. And the sun caught his scales in just the right way to give them the tint of _rainbow_.

_Need to change my armor color. Maybe green will work. Or that luminescent purple. Wait, not purple!_

He needed a nametag on his armor. Something like, "I'm Commander Shepard." In huge letters, splashed across his chestplates. Bigger than the man's almost-glowing chest. The N7 designation just wasn't cutting it anymore.

"Hey, where's Seryna?" he asked the other asari, Tana.

"She's not here anymore. Oh, you're the one she was helping out."

He'd thought Seryna had potential, even though the asari had chosen an ugly tan color to highlight her otherwise arresting eyes.

_What's with the weird makeup, Kasumi?_

_I like stripes!_

_Not you. That Seryna. She's scorching, otherwise. Well, except that weird blue face color she uses—purple's a great color for asari skin._

_It matches her eyes, Shep._ She'd looked at him as if he was a complete moron.

_She looks like she showers in dried mud._

But this Tana made her look like yesterday's trash. Damn, he dug goth chicks! Plus her lavender zigzags did something to him down below. He stared into those blue eyes, all the brighter in that dark stuff she wore around them.

"She took a job off-world. Didn't say where. Mr…?"

"Huh?"

"She gave me something for you. Looks like a message."

Score! Tana handed him the PDA and he grinned. _Bet it's where I can contact her for a little bit of eternity._

"Thanks. Say, you free later?"

"Free?"

"You know, for a little eating, a little drinking…"

"You're more Seryna's type."

"Ouch, Shep." Kasumi snickered beside him. "Shot down in flames."

He read the message and grumbled under his breath.

"Are you well, Shepard?" the assassin asked.

"No, no thanks to you. It's that damned jacket, isn't it?"

"I do not understand." The assassin's black eyes probed him. "Humans sometimes communicate in unusual ways."

"Here." He shoved the PDA at Thane. "Seryna wants to buy you a drink."

"This offends you?"

"Um, never mind. Just enjoy your damned drink."

"I don't find asari the least bit attractive, so you may wish to stay your jealousy for a moment."

His jaw flopped open before the assassin's crazy words sank in. "You don't like asari? _Everybody_ likes asari. Even the egg-laying salarians!"

"I am not everybody, Shepard."

"But… But…" Not just his words failed him, but his sanity.

"You're going to have to explain this one, Thane. I don't believe you. Even _I_ like looking at the occasional asari." From what he could see under the thief's hood, her dark, mysterious eyes had widened so large they almost devoured her face.

"I find them too protuberant in strange places."

"_What_ places? They look just fine to me."

"Your human females are quite similar."

"I know. Aren't they great?"

"They're too _bumpy_ about the chest."

Kasumi stared down at her modest cleavage. "I'm 'too bumpy?'"

"I fear I have offended you. But, yes, you are quite bumpy in an odd place. Asari head protrusions are also somewhat unattractive."

"You have _horns_!"

"And they do not stick far out behind me."

"So _breasts_ bug you? Haven't you ever handled one? They're fantastic!"

"I agree," the thief said. "I enjoy mine…"

"Hah! I knew women couldn't resist groping themselves."

"Shep…"

"I have never held a 'breast' in hand, no." The assassin met his eyes.

"Oh, I get it."

God, he was dense! The flamboyant jacket and pants should have told him everything he needed to know about the assassin. Or maybe his almost meticulous plucking of dust from said clothing when he thought no one was looking. The bared chest should have told him the rest. _That's right—women dig men who don't dig them. Women are weird._

"'Get it?'" The assassin seemed flummoxed.

He patted the man on the shoulder. _Wait, isn't that some kind of signal? Because I really don't swing his way at all._ But he'd set the assassin straight later if he found himself stuck in an elevator with no escape from the pending advances.

"It's ok to be what you are."

"I… Yes, I suppose that's true, Shepard."

"I don't want you to feel pressured."

The man stared at him, eyes shuttering.

"I mean it. Don't ever be ashamed of how you were born."

"I… I'll try to keep that in mind."

"Good. I don't discriminate on my ship, and everyone's always welcome, whether they like asari or human females or not."


	5. Meat? Tubes?

He stared at the jumpsuited man. _Two years? I was dead for two years?_

"Just meat and tubes."

_And my meat tube? Ms. Squawky-Tits rebuilt it? Damn. You must really hate me, God._

"The asari, Liara, the quarian, they all made it out alive."

_Two years dead. I could use a slice of eternity right now._

"They left the Alliance. They could be anywhere."

_Fuck. I mean, fuck, no fucking. Fuck. God damn it!_

"Someone named Ti—I mean, Miranda, was talking to me over the radio. We lost contact just before I ran into you."

"Miranda Lawson is the station's ranking officer."

_Hm. Might take a little finesse to make my way into her bra… I hope these morons upgraded it when they rebuilt me. But if they take entire massive storerooms to stash a single thermal clip when they can't put them in lockers with their weapons, there's not a lot of hope._

More talk from the man. Endless talk. _Yeah, dude, I don't care._

"So, what's your job here?"

"Technically, I'm Miranda's top lieutenant, but I'm just a soldier. Served with the Alliance for five years."

"Soldier? All right! So what do you like shooting better, batarian pirates or geth? Assault rifle or shotgun? Human or asari?"

"Shouldn't we be trying to get out of here, Commander?"

"You said you wanted to play Twenty Questions."

"I… Look, the shuttle's thataway." Jacob pointed toward the door.

"At least tell me whether you like humans or asari!"

"Check, check, anyone on this frequency?"

_Shit, it's Ugly._

"Anybody still alive out there? Hello?"

"Wilson? This is Jacob. I'm here with Commander Shepard."

_Yep, Ugly. It's going to be a family reunion!_

"Shepard's alive? How the hell? Never mind. You have to get him the hell out of there…"

_Yeah, I bet you're not happy to see me either, after all those whiny messages you left about how Tits is such a bitch._

"I think I remember a Wilson checking up on me one time when I woke up."

_Chief medical tech. Reports to Tits. Probably wanted to fondle her too. Well, Ugly, you've got a little competition._

More running. Ugly fell under attack, apparently. He didn't trust Ugly: the man seemed a little too unhappy at his survival, or so the muttering seemed to indicate. More mechs. More scrambling for thermal clips since all the lockers had gone empty. _Or maybe they ran out of doorways to store clips in._ He pawed a few corpses for clips, but came up empty. No PDAs sitting around either with ready credits for the taking.

"I've been shot. Help!"

Instead, despite his fellow soldier's urging, he headed for a small alcove office-thing with a laptop. _Maybe I can see Tits again!_

"…our orders were clear: make Shepard who he was before the explosion. The same mind, the same morals, the same personality…" _Shit, they didn't upgrade anything!_

"We don't have time for this, Shepard!"

"Pfft, Wilson can wait. He's either alive or dead, and the couple seconds I spend watching Ti—I mean, investigating what happened to me, won't change anything."

"I refuse to let that happen." Strong, professional, and despite the prominent front teeth, drop-dead sexy. _If she hasn't dropped dead. The galaxy would cry forever at the loss of those… I mean her._

"Move it, Shepard."

"Fine."

And there lay Ugly in the next room.

"Shepard, down here! Bastards got me in the leg!"

He stared at the man's leg, and strained back to his old Spectre training. Yep, a shot. Clean. To the calf, where only a little medigel was necessary to fix it. A mech would have to have faulty programming to shoot that conveniently, instead of gunning for the head, or the chest, the thigh, or any myriad number of ways there were to take out a sapient individual. He didn't see any traces of parts, either. No mech that had been hacked would walk off while the target still registered as living. _Suuure, they got you. Suuure._

"You were there the first time I regained consciousness."

"Yeah, that was me. How 'bout we talk about this _after_ we fix my leg?" _You mean after you shot yourself there? Fix it yourself, idiot._

"There should be some medigel in the First Aid station on the wall." _Which we should save for ourselves, not this pansy self-shooting moron._

But, fine, he slathered some on the man's wound.

"Thanks, Shepard. You saved my life. I guess that makes us even."

_No one bleeds to death from a calf shot. You're the hacker, aren't you?_

And that was confirmed when the man started babbling about how he was trying to shut everything down without even being prompted. Jacob seemed properly suspicious, but with homicidal mechs out there…

"You're all strangers to me. Let's get somewhere safe, and we'll sort out whose fault it is."

Blah blah, forget about Miranda, she's dead.

_I'm not forgetting about Tits. I'd rather forget about you, Ugly._

"Either she's dead or she's a traitor."

_Right, Ugly, right. That makes perfect sense._

"No one that gorgeous is a traitor. Besides, she warned me about the mechs."

"Ok, so she's not a traitor." Ugly's looks could wound, and he rubbed the back of his aching head.

Jacob stared at him as if he was the kind of moron who stored thermal clips away from weapons. _We're off to a rockin' start, aren't we, bro?_


	6. Make Up Your Mind!

Ok, Ugly wasn't totally useless. He did overload that explosive crate and take out a bunch of mechs. But if he could do that, why didn't he take out the supposed mech that supposedly took out his leg? Right, because he was an idiot and the hacker. _Yeah, I totally believe you got hit by a mech. Loser._ But he knew he was stuck with Ugly so long as they wanted to reach Ti… The shuttle. Yeah, the shuttle. Come shuttle time, though, Ugly would be damned lucky if he survived a shove out the airlock.

"OK, we took out them down, but this is getting tense."

_Shit, Jacob, you're a moron too! Ugly hit a couple buttons on his omni-tool. That's not tense. That's not even hacking!_

"Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

"This really isn't the time, Jacob." _It's never the time for you, Ugly._

"We won't make it if he's expecting a shot in the back."

"More like the calf," he muttered, and Ugly shot him a glare.

"If you want to piss off the boss, it's your ass, Jacob."

"Or calf."

_Shut up, Shepard,_ that glare said. _Shut the FUCK up about my treason._

"The Lazarus Project, the program that rebuilt you. It's funded and controlled by Cerberus."

"That name sounds familiar. Oh, shit! It's you fuckers! God, can't you just leave me the hell alone?"

"'You fuckers?'" Jacob's voice turned cold.

"Yeah, you fuckers who screwed up at killing me on Akuze. Oh, and you messed up taking out Toombs too. Good job!"

"Toombs?" Ugly sounded like he'd choked on an asari's tentacle.

"You know, a shot in the back is the last thing I'm expecting from you assholes. I'm expecting a maw-venom injection. Or maybe to have a little baby maw bust from my gut. That why you brought me back?"

"Wait, that was Cerberus?" Jacob asked. "Oh, shit!"

"You know what I don't get? Why the hell you brought me back when you and your idiot minions have tried to kill me more than once. If you'd just done the job right back on Akuze or when your bumbling operatives took potshots at me when I looked for Admiral Kahoku, you wouldn't have had to waste all those credits to bring me back when that alien ship took me out. And you wouldn't have to send your mechs after me to take me out again."

"You think I want to kill you?" Jacob asked.

"Hell if I know. I just don't get why you terrorists just can't make up your damned minds. Is it so hard to decide whether you want me to live or to die?"

"I… Look, I'd be suspicious too if I were you, but right now we have to work together. I thought you deserved to know what's what. Once we're off this station I'll take you to the Illusive Man. He'll explain everything. I promise."

"Fucktards," he muttered. "The head of the indecisive idiots who can't figure out whether to kill me or let me live is named, 'the Illusive Man?' What is this, some kind of old-Earth spy vid?"

Ugly more than glared—he slobbered as his jaw flopped open.

"You're just lucky I happen to like living. I'm still not working with terrorists once we're out of here."

"That's up to the Illusive Man," Ugly said. "Don't think you have much choice, Shepard."

_Tits works for the assholes who tried to kill me more than once? Why do you hate me so much, God? What did I ever do to you?_

Ugly muttered nasty cusswords as he went to work on another datapad. _What, Ugly? I thought you liked credits and the Illusive Fucker wasn't giving enough to you. Cooperate, and I might even give you half of 'em to hack the mechs in the Illusive Fucker's office._


	7. Never Wrong

Miranda leaned against the final door that separated her from the shuttle. She drew in a deep breath. _Shepard had better be moving his ass._ She'd almost shorted out her omni-tool on the last batch of mechs when she'd channeled a stronger current than the specs recommended, but she'd survived. Barely. Just enough of a single Loki mech's head had survived, and she'd taxed her omni-tool almost to its limits trying to trace the source of its programming. And it had been just as she'd suspected after her monitoring of the spy programs she'd installed on Wilson's laptop. The orders had been issued from a console near his office, and where she'd lost track of him as the mechs launched their assault. On the other side of the door, she relaxed as she stared at the shuttle. _Shepard better be worth all this effort and all this death._ Somehow, the gunfire, the explosions, and the faint scraping of metal against the floor relaxed her. _He's coming. Good. It's about time._ And more than one gun came with him.

She readied her pistol as her gut twisted. She _knew_ that little son of a bitch had made it. And then silence. Endless silence. _Move your asses! We didn't kill all the mechs!_ She tapped her free hand against the side of the barrel, one finger at a time until the noise just about drove her insane. _Where the hell are they?_ She slumped and let her forehead rest on the door. _They can't be dead! Not after all the shattering I heard, and there were no human screams._

Just as she'd begun to trigger the lock, she heard a man's voice. _Shit, he did survive. Well, not for long._

The door slid open to his contorted mug. "Miranda! But you were…"

She jammed the pistol against his egg-shaped skull and watched it shatter as she pulled the trigger.

"Dead?"

"What the hell are you doing?" Jacob ran at her.

_Well, this should be fun. I wonder what secrets he's coughed up for Shepard._ That didn't stop the small flush of warmth from making its way from her gut to her cheeks. _At least he's alive. That's something._

"My job. Wilson betrayed us all."

And there was that mostly-rebuilt face, a little too full of glowing orange streaks for comfort, staring at her from behind the barrel of another pistol.

"Even if you're sure, did he deserve that welcome?"

"He sabotaged the security systems, killed my staff, and he would have killed us."

"You sure about that, Miranda? We've known Wilson for years. What if you're wrong?"

Shepard eyed her—well, her chest—and winked. _Did I have to do such a good job on his libido?_

"I'm never wrong. I thought you'd have learnt that by now, Jacob."

"If you say so. What's our next step?" She hadn't expected such a quick and practical response from someone who had saved the galaxy, but who seemed unnecessarily frightened by a small gout of flame that his armor would easily repel.

He winked again, and mouthed, _I know._ The pistol dropped as fast as it had gone up into her face.

"We get on the shuttle and go. My boss wants to speak with you."

He moved in close and a bizarre blend of man-sweat and medical disinfectant swirled around her like a maelstrom. She tasted that morning's bagel in the back of her throat as he lay a hand on her shoulder, and her stomach lurched.

"You work for Cerberus, don't you? Don't worry, you're still hot as hell, even if you work for the Illusive Fucker… I mean, Man. Yeah, Man."

_Dammit, Jacob! You just couldn't wait to tell him, could you?_ Still, she was too tired to argue with her fellow operative.

"Do you have any other questions?"

"What about the other people on this station, babe?" She could tell he really didn't give even a single shit about them.

_Babe? Ugh._

"This is the evac area. If they're not here now, they're not coming."

"We can't leave without knowing for sure." A lascivious wink. "We need to go back and look."

_He really thinks his "concerned" act is going to work? And he thinks unnecessary arguing is attractive?_

"Don't you get it? The only one worth saving is you. Everyone else is expendable."

"Yeah, they're just Cerberus. Ok, let's get the hell out of here!"

She gestured him onto the shuttle and hesitated in the doorway.

"Not what you expected, hunh?" Jacob asked.

"No."

"Just sit down next to me. I'll make sure I'm on the opposite side of the cabin."

She nodded and gave him a small smile. "Thanks."

She waited until the shuttle was safely away from the station before she began her field tests.

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask a few questions to evaluate your condition."

"Come on, Miranda. More tests? Shepard took down those mechs without any trouble. That has to be good enough." She knew Jacob objected for other reasons than his usual protests at anything she did. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what they were, though.

"Just ask them, Jacob."

"All right. If you insist."

"Hey, I feel fine. You really don't need to test anything. Well, unless you're willing to test non-standard parts of me, Miranda."

"It's just a few questions," Jacob said.

"The sooner we start, the sooner we can be done. Start with personal history."

Akuze. She'd read the reports, and knew that he'd been the only one to survive the thresher maw attack intact, aside from Corporal Toombs, who now delighted in slandering her organization to whomever gave him a soapbox.

"Something like that can change you, if you let it," Shepard said. "I haven't let it change me at all."

_Damn. A change would be good._

"Satisfied, Miranda?"

"Almost. Let's try something more recent. Virmire, where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave your squad behind to die in the blast."

Jacob continued. "Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was killed in action. It was your call. Why did you leave her behind?"

"I left a friend to die that day, and I didn't do it casually."

_Well, it looks like we restored his bullshitter to full capacity. _

She'd seen the synthesized memory as it played almost like a vid, heard his thoughts. _Kaidan's a bud, and Ash turned me down. Who else will I torture with stories of Liara's nubile…_

"She died a hero."

_Sacrificed so you could tell azure jokes. Nice. Why did we bring him back again?_

Another wink, and she cringed as the shuttle pulled in to dock. This was going to be a long assignment.


	8. Quarians

He'd always been conflicted about quarians. The females looked absolutely stunning in their tight, curve-hugging environment suits, and they all seemed to be built where it mattered like goddesses. Well, what he imagined goddesses might look like, anyway. The chicken feet were a little odd, but no stranger than the string-things on the back of asari heads. And the masks… If they'd been a little rounder, or a little flatter, he might have found them _mysterious_, but, instead they reminded him more of a giraffe's head.

Jacob had just stared at him as he shrugged off the man's questions after Freedom's Progress.

"So, you hit on Miranda, but not on that Tali'Zorah. What's wrong with you? Didn't you _see_ that suit and _hear_ that voice?"

"I have _some_ standards."

"Like I believe that. The quarian was crushing on you. _Hard_."

"Yeah, well, not a lot I can do about that. She's not my type."

"What, smart?"

"You don't think Ti—Miranda's smart?"

"Don't want to get my head shot off if she hears my answer."

Now, here he was, back on the Citadel, and this time with that cute thief at his side. Tits had insisted on remaining aboard the _Normandy_, but Jacob had jumped at the chance to see the station again. Kasumi oohed and ahhed at just about everything, including the patterns on Lia'Vael's suit as they watched the little volus and the ugly C-Sec officer harass the quarian.

"We have to help her, Shep! She's so cute!" Sometimes he wondered about Kasumi.

"I know, I know."

"You don't sound like you want to. I thought you'd like a damsel in distress."

"I don't think Shepard likes quarians," Jacob said, "even if he likes everything else with boobs. Like all those asari shopkeepers."

"I like quarians just fine."

"So go help her already! She looks so helpless."

"You don't like men, do you, Kasumi? That's kind of… er… hot."

"Shep, just go help her!"

"Fine."

So, a little idle "investigating" with the C-Sec officer, the volus, and the pissed-off quarian, and he was plowing through shop after shop trying to track down the volus' credit chit. He took his time asking Deleia Sanassi question after question about her goods and her contact information. _You know, for Spectre business._ Kasumi elbowed him as he cracked a smile at the woman and gave her a little wink that set her to tittering.

"Kor Tun wasn't even up here!"

"You don't know that for sure."

"She just said she hadn't seen the volus on this level at all!"

"Just because she didn't see him doesn't mean he wasn't here."

The thief tittered beside him. "Makes perfect sense, Shep. But you can flirt with the other asari on the right floor, you know."

_Yeah, Kian Louros. Not a bad idea, sexy, not bad._

"Did I ever ask you…"

"If I liked women? Yeah, you did. Just a minute ago."

Jacob snickered.

"And what's the answer?"

"That's up to you to find out." Kasumi nudged him with her elbow.

"So, do you?"

"You just have to figure it out."

"I'm trying, and you're not helping any."

The other asari had seen the volus, but not the chit. Despite her earlier giggling, she seemed nowhere nearly as convinced to cough up her contact details for "Spectre business." _Great, Cerberus downgraded my "touch." _ If the salarian had been female at Saronis Applications, he might have been more eager to leave the suddenly suspicious asari. Finally, it took Jacob grabbing his arm and pulling for him to break the conversation. The asari sighed behind him as they left, or maybe she said, "Phew." Either way, he glared at the Operative.

"You interrupted my investigation!"

"She doesn't have anything, Shepard. The salarian does."

"And how do you know that? You have spycams installed in the shop or something?"

"Because he's all that's left."

"Not true," Kasumi said, "the ramen chef might have something."

"Right," Jacob said.

"Hungry, Kasumi?"

"I could eat."

"Me too. We should make an evening of it."

"Shep, I prefer women."

"I knew I'd get the answer out of you!"

"Not really, but that quarian sounds like she's going to hit someone."

That at least was true: Lia'Vael's protests could be heard all over the block. He sighed and made his way to Saronis Applications. At least the salarian was friendly, and there was something about being called, "my favorite customer." Because not even the hot Deleia had said that about him. He left with a few new upgrade schematics, a discount, and some information to help the quarian.

"Give her some credits," Kasumi said after he'd shoved the volus for the hell of it, and intimidated the C-Sec officer.

"She said she's fine."

"Shep!"

"She already ran off."

The thief eyed her rapidly retreating back. "So, you really don't like quarians, do you? Every other woman here, you've tried to scam personal information out of, or wrangle a date. But you left this damsel in distress still in distress."

"Quarians are ok with me."

"Then why?" Jacob asked. "You try to get anything and everything _else_ into bed with you. Why not quarians?"

The thief flinched.

"Ok, maybe I _am_ a racist. I like my women to survive sleeping with me. If a woman's going to die in my bed, I want it to be from ecstasy, not from an allergic reaction or because I gave her deathpox."

"Yeah, you're a racist, Shep." Kasumi elbowed him again. "You totally forgot to hit on that turian woman."

"What turian woman?"

"At the café."

"That was a woman? Hm. But she'd just die on me too."


	9. Unattainable

"Hey, Shep!"

He spent far more time in the thief's quarters than he did in CIC, and he'd probably spent more time with her aboard the _Normandy_ than he had with Liara, even though they had embraced eternity regularly. Of all of the crew, she seemed like the only one who wasn't obsessed with either a crushing sense of inadequacy, or with imaginary tragedy and impending doom. Garrus, God bless him, had turned into a bitter, vengeance-obsessed murderer, while Tits whined about how "perfect" she was. And Jacob never wanted to talk. About anything. Ever. Unless it was to say how suspicious he was of everything. At least Chambers was fun, even if she wanted to hug his turian friend. _Hey, I get wanting to get some, but from a turian? Isn't that a little physically impossible?_

"How's it going?"

"Mix us up a little something, Shep. I could use a drink."

_I really dig this chick. I come say hi, and she wants to get wasted._

"Just how drunk you thinking?"

"Not drunk, just _relaxed_. I can't get used to this place. I tried to steal one of Jacob's guns yesterday, but he just shook his head and muttered, 'Great, have to build another one now.' What's the point in stealing anything here? It's free for the taking anyway."

He poured a little green something into a glass and mixed it with purple. She'd never told him what kind of exotic alien greatness was in any of the bottles and she'd removed all the labels. _Isn't it more fun to guess what they are?_ And her mixing tips were just as whacked out. _The muddier and browner the mixture, the better it tastes._ Damned if she wasn't right, though.

"I still can't believe you had all this stuff just 'ready' when we picked you up."

He'd wondered how she'd gotten a huge bed that almost rivaled his own on board. Or all the bookcases, the desk, the books, the paintings, the couch, the weird psychedelic chair…

"What can I say? I'm amazing."

_And probably even more amazing in the sack. Crazy chicks always are._ He handed her the concoction he'd blended for her. His own, he'd decided to conjure from a muddy orange liquid and the purple stuff.

"Not bad." She grinned. "Sit down, Shep. Pull up a cushion."

She patted a suddenly free spot next to her as she sat full upright, drink in hand. He sat and sipped at his own alien brew. _Not bad. Not bad at all._

"So, what's up? You usually don't visit unless you're trying to get me into bed again."

"Yeah, but that's all the time."

"I know, Shep. Oh, how I know."

"Any new gossip?"

"Mm, not really. I have to say, that Jacob, mmmm." She took a delicate sip. "Could have used some yellow…"

"I'll remember that next time."

"I want something totally new next time. You think he likes Japanese kleptomaniacs?"

"Who doesn't?"

She snickered. "Yeah, I know that too well. I told you about Burt, right?"

"Why Jacob?"

"He's _perfect_."

"You mean beyond that whole suspicious routine he does with everyone?"

"Well, it's not like I _talk_ to him or anything."

"So you just want him for his abs, hunh?"

"He's a nice person. So kind, so mmm…"

"I've got abs. And hulking biceps. At least that's what Liara said."

"Yeah, but you're easy, Shep. All I'd have to do was say, 'yes' to land you."

"So, the reason you like Jacob is because you can't have him?"

"Exactly. He's unattainable. A challenge. He has hidden depths no one will ever find out about."

"Hidden depth is overrated. What's the fun in _not_ getting laid?"

"Says the man who's as shallow as a puddle."

"I've had puddles soak me up to the knees."

"Ok, a kiddie wading pool."

"So, you're saying in order to land you, I'd have to pretend to not want you? Or to not want you at all?"

"Come on, Shep. You survived Akuze. There's got to be _something_ to you that allowed you to survive."

"I can hold my breath a long time."

She stared at him beneath that ridiculous hood. At least he thought she did, even though the shadows hid most of the expression in her eyes.

"The maw buried me pretty good, and it took me forever to dig my way to the surface and get air. When I got to the top, I looked around and there was no one left."

"You can hold your breath, Shep? That's the _only_ reason you survived?"

"I took to the genetic modifications better than most of my unit. And I got only a small splash of its spit."

"Unbelievable." The thief took a long swig out of her glass. "And I thought there was something to survival against tough odds. What about after? Didn't you at least feel a little depressed? In shock? Anything?"

"Well, yeah. But there's a lot more to life than being depressed. Like enjoying all the galaxy's beautiful women, all the damned good food out there, and mystery alien drinks."

"Hedonism overcame shock? Shep, Shep, Shep." She clucked and he thought she shook her head underneath the hood.

"What? I could be depressed and boring and annoying and whiny, or I could have fun like I did before Cerberus tried to kill me the first time."

"I can't figure out whether that's a good or a bad thing."

"Well, it could be worse. I could be miserable and angry like Garrus, or I could hop into bed with a cutie. Seems like a simple choice to make."

"I can't figure out whether you're just really happy and resilient, or even shallower than a wading pool. This bugs me, Shep."

"Hey, I don't want to sleep with you anymore."

"Unh hunh. That's really going to work."

"So what does?"

"Well, even the shallowest pools can deceive if you throw enough mud into them. Just don't even talk about wanting to bed a woman, ask her to talk about herself, and then, maybe, you can trick her. Sorry to all the women everywhere."

"Mud, hunh. Women don't like the truth?"

"You have to be unavailable. Make her think there's something to you. Even if you can't manage the mud, even a little oil spread across your surface can be distracting. You know, in an 'Oh, pretty, look at the rainbows!' kind of way."

"This sounds almost ridiculously hard. Asari are easy; I've forgotten how to hook up with humans."

"Asari are more open?"

"Hey, I was just standing there trying to get to know my new crew member when she came on to me! Guess she spoiled me."

"And you went right for it."

"Well, yeah. She's damned hot. Have you ever 'embraced eternity?' It makes straight-up human sex boring."

"If it's boring, why do you want it?"

"Well, comparatively boring. And I think a crazy, fun human woman, or one with great funbags might make even asari sex seem dull."

"You're something, Shep."

"I try."

"But not too hard, I guess. At least you can mix a mean drink!"


	10. Tats and Ass

"What, you think I'm stupid?"

She paced in front of the window, swinging her arms around like a gorilla. At least he thought it was like a gorilla. That was the best animal he could think of, anyway. Well, if he had to suffer stuck in Cerberus' snare, this tattooed temptress could suffer with him. He squinted at her tats, trying to make out just what was clothes and what was ink. _Shit, I'm slipping. I can't tell the difference. Is she topless, or…? Well, except for that strap-bra thing…_

"This ship is going down in flames. You want to burn with it?"

"Could disable her, bring her on ship," the salarian said.

He still hadn't gotten used to the man's utter lack of pronouns or leading nouns, or nouns of any stripe. Well, except for "ship," and "her."

"We're not going to attack her." _Not with weapons, anyway._

"Good move," the girl said. "Look, you want me to come with you, make it worth my while."

"Tell me what you're thinking."

_Let it be what I'm thinking. I mean trying not to think, I mean…_ He swore he was going to follow Kasumi's dating advice, even if it killed him.

"I bet your ship's got lots of Cerberus databases. I want to look at those files, see what Cerberus has got on me. You want me on your team, let me go through those databases."

_That's all you want? Sure, I'm game for exposing the Illusive Fucker's dirty ops to anyone who wants to see._

"I'll give you full access."

"You better be straight up with me."

Kasumi snickered behind him. "I bet he's straight up, all right."

"So why the hell are we standing here?"

"You're asking _me_? Get a move on if you're in the mood to keep living."

Oh, did Tits have some choice words for him once he told her to release the databases, and most of them involved the words "irresponsible," "loose cannon,' "unpredictable," "danger to the organization," and "overstepped your bounds." At least she had the decency to let the tattooed and warped woman leave before she launched into him with the fervor of a Jehovah's Witness. He stood and watched her jiggle as her face flushed redder than a ripe tomato. _I didn't know anything could bounce like that and not fall off_.

"Are you even listening to me, Shepard?"

"Of course. You're my crew, Miranda. But we're here for one thing: to defeat the Collectors. Not to promote Cerberus, not to keep its secrets safe. If this'll get Jack to calm down and help us, then I'll release every goddamned database on this ship. And I'll get someone to hack the Illusive Fu—Man's databases if she wants me to."

"Dangerous, Shepard. Just remember who you're working for."

"And who tried to kill me. More than once. Dismissed, Miranda."

"Shepard, I won't let you endanger Cerberus in your quest for revenge."

"That's nice. Dismissed."

Her ass twitched angrily as she left, and he watched it rotate in that tight, tight leather suit. _Nice. Very nice. I wonder if Jack's pants hug her like that back there…_

Kelly more than made up for Miranda's little lecture. "She approaches sex casually."

"Really?" _Score!_

"She may come on to you, but she doesn't really know what she wants."

"Well, if she wants that…"

"You don't really want to do that, do you, Shepard?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint…"

"Shepard, she's not right in the head. She's a criminal, and a dangerous woman."

"Don't worry—I'll protect you if I piss her off."

"Thanks. Thanks a lot. Just warn me if you do. I want to hide. Off the ship, and somewhere far, far away."

"Ever think of taking a vacation, Kelly? I hear Thessia has some top-notch beaches, and you'd be adorable in a little, tiny…"

"Shepard, get your hind end down to Engineering!" He hadn't even heard Garrus approach. "Jack's threatening to take out the entire ship if you don't get her those databases _right now_."

_Shame she doesn't approach reading as casually. Oh well._


	11. Quoth the Shepard

What a horrible wreck of a planet this Korlus was—all rusted out buildings half-collapsed under the weight of endless cloned krogan and missile impacts. More than once he'd almost lost his balance as a fragment of metal gave way under him, and losing his balance was the last thing he wanted to do when he hovered several stories above the hard, hard, dry, dry wrecked cement below. He gripped his Mattock for dear life as yet another chunk of rusted out steel gave out just underneath his foot.

"Son of a bitch!" The jagged edge almost sliced through his hardsuit's boots as he hauled his foot back up.

"You're such a klutz, Shep!" Kasumi giggled, clutching her Locust tight to her chest.

At times like this, he really didn't care that the thief was cute or quirky or crazy. At times like this, what he really wanted was for her to lose her balance and land face-first on top of one of those rust holes. Just so she could take a nice look down at the hard, hard, dried clay punctuated with shards of cracked cement below. And then shut the hell up about him weighing more than fifteen elephants with all the armor he was wearing, or about how assault weapons were heavy and clumsy and useless, or how missile launchers weren't really necessary when he could just cloak himself and whack a merc on the back of the head with a pistol, or…

"The Commander would be more effective if you'd stop harassing him every time these buildings fall apart. You've created a hole or two yourself." Tits shook her head, but, alas, not her rack.

"And you have two hole makers right on the front of you." The thief tittered. "Not even the most solid steel could hold up to you if you tripped."

_Tits of steel. Now there's a thought._

"Horny again, Shep?"

"Shut it, Kasumi! Move out." He was grateful his armor had a solid crotch guard. Because he was a little…

Maybe the worst part of Korlus was that he had to kill so many female mercs. Especially the heavies, who were heavy in more ways than one. _A woman with a heavy weapon… God, I wish I could be that lucky!_ The krogan, no problem. The ugly batarians, even less of a problem. But Blue Suns armor hugged the heavies in so many of the right places. _A tragedy for the gods themselves. I should break into poetry, but I can't rhyme worth a dime. Hah! Haven't lost my touch._

Another heavy down, and they moved their way into Okeer's lab.

"Don't shoot, Shepard! You know me! You know, Rana Thanoptis. Met you on Virmire! Look, I'll let you into the labs."

He wished the hot asari would stop talking and smooch him. Alas, that was not to be. _To smooch or not to smooch. To be or not to be. Dammit, not a smooch!_

"I remember you. I told you to keep out of trouble. Unless you want to get into some trouble with me later…"

"I am! Look at me, I'm helping Okeer cure the genophage! I wrote his re-education programs for the krogan clones."

"I meant, you know, _trouble_ of the eternal sort. Embrace eter—I mean, _trouble_."

"I took your words to heart, after you spared me. I had to outrun a nuke, but…"

"You could take more than your words to my heart, beautiful."

"What?"

"Oh, forget it. Eternity would be boring with you anyway."

"Boring? Eternity? I don't understand…"

"Just stay out of trouble, and get running."

"Not another nuke!"

"Who knows?" He'd never known an asari to be so dense.

"Goddess!" The asari turned and ran.

Blah, blah, blah. Didn't krogan ever shut up? This Okeer was the worst he'd ever come across, and he was twenty times more verbose than Aria's rambling Patriarch. He pretended to be interested as the krogan told him he sold several of his people into slavery for Collector technology, but the way the man rambled on and on and on for years led him to believe the man didn't actually know anything useful. Tits twitched and Kasumi yawned.

"So, you coming or not?" he finally asked the warlord.

"The tank comes with…"

"Flush the tanks!" Ah, the voice over the loudspeaker.

"She'll kill my legacy with a damned valve!"

The krogan's voice came from far away, for he looked down upon a vision in Blue Suns armor. Oh, how the light danced from fair, golden hair, and her eyes glistened bluer than the heavens beneath flattering shadow. The lips shaped themselves as they might when curled around the lower parts of him, and they spoke of endless soft kisses. Round, oh so round, and so, so… And the rack, damn!

"Angel…" he muttered.

"So _that's_ Jedore," Kasumi said. "Shep's got it bad!"

"No time for your quad, human! You must save my legacy!"

"Shut up! She comes with us. You can stay here, Okeer!" _Hey, another rhyme! Wish Ash was here to hear it! Heh, another one!_

"Shepard, we need the krogan," Tits said through the haze of endless distance. "Commander! Get your ass down there!"

"We are _not_ killing her, unless she won't come with us!"

Tits shoved him toward the door, but after the vision of Jedore, she seemed like little more than an afterthought. "Get your ass in gear, Commander!"

_Beautiful, beautiful Jedore, be mine forevermore! I'm on a roll!_

Down endless stairs, he ran and went through the door. _And through the door awaits beautiful Jedore!_

"Come with us, Jedore! I don't give a shit about the krogan!"

But she just yelled more stupid egotistical crap into her loudspeaker and unleashed a YMIR on them. And that was before she started firing missiles into his face.

"I'm Commander Shepard, Jedore! I have a huge ship, a warship that rivals your beauty and lines. It needs another hot chick. Help me stop the Collectors, and I'll make sure you're kept happy and screaming in pure pleasure!"

"Are you firing your gun or not, Shep?" Kasumi screamed from behind a clone tank. She ducked the YMIR's missile.

"I'm _trying_ to recruit her!"

Tits unloaded an entire clip on his angel's body. "Shoot her, you moron! We're here for the krogan!"

"We've got lots of those."

"Dammit, Shepard! Take out the krogan! Take out _something_!"

"Jedore, Jedore, be mine!"

He scrambled for his missile launcher. _Fine, I'll work on the mech. Maybe when her army's dead, she'll come with us._ He winced at the impact of the thing's gunfire against his kinetic barrier as he fired off a couple of missiles. _Noooooo!_ One veered off the mech and flew at his beloved Jedore. He shot off another missile, and this one flew at a second krogan sexy Jedore released. Luckily, Kasumi had taken down the first. Where was she, anyway? _Oh shit!_ She reappeared just behind his angel and whacked her hard over the head.

"No, Kasumi! Get the mech, not Jedore!"

But the mech was up to him, since Tits had gotten pinned behind a crate that a third krogan charged. _Tink, tink, tink_ went the trigger in his hands, and the missiles flew everywhere except where they were supposed to go. _Must be why this damned thing is a prototype. Shit—I'm getting the Illusive Fucker for this!_ A missile detonated on the downed Jedore, and she gasped her last. _Never, never, not Jedore. Never to see her, nevermore!_ Her face had turned to red slush which quickly turned to blackened goop as the flames scorched what was left of her beauty. He whipped out his assault rifle and rushed at the mech.

"Raaaaah!" he screamed as he emptied two clips into the mechanical equivalent of his gut. He didn't care that the mech had ripped his shields to nothing, and was now beginning to do the same to his flesh.

Tits rushed him and knocked him back as the mech groaned. "It's going to blow, idiot!"

The mech's explosion seemed almost anticlimactic, even if it was painful. _The last stand of glorious Jedore, nothing more than a bloodstain on the floor. I'm rhyming like a sonovabitch!_

Alarms, grieving for poor Jedore.

"Dammit, what's Okeer doing?"

"Shepard, the alarms coincided with the systems failure. The remaining lab systems are unprotected, and I have gained limited access…"

"That's nice, EDI, but I'm grieving here!"

"According to scans, the room is flooded with toxins, and Okeer's personal life signs are fading rapidly."

"So what?"

"I recommend haste." Didn't EDI know when to shut up?

"Move your ass, Shep!" Kasumi said. "We're going to lose the krogan!"

"I'm buuusy. God!" He paced back and forth before Jedore's charred remains.

"Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bright September,  
And each separate dying ember baked a beautiful woman into the floor.  
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow  
From my heart surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Jedore -  
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Jedore -  
Headless here for evermore."

"Shep, you suck at poetry." She stuck herself under his arm and propelled him upstairs.

Where the krogan had already offed himself, and left a goddamned recording and a tank instead.

"We lost poor Jedore for _this_?"

"…this legacy, this Grunt, is perfect…"

"Ah my poor lost Jedore, far more perfect than before. Now I bring this tank up, far up off the floor."

"Sometimes I hate you," Tits muttered.

"Only _sometimes_?" Kasumi asked.


	12. Cerberus Schmerberus

Well, well, she liked quiet, dark places. He could hang with that. After all, quiet and dark had saved him from the maw's venom. Still, there was dark and there was cold and dank. A closet could be just as dark as the pit below Engineering, and probably would be a lot more comfortable. And she didn't wear a shirt. That titillated him in places that needed to tingle more often. Underneath that boob-strap thing, her nipples must have been sticking out prouder than a pair of Javelins. He imagined tweaking them and rolling them between his fingers, suckling and…

"Hey." She sat on her uncomfortable cot, and leaned over her knees with a PDA in hand.

Hunh?

"You want something, Shepard."

"Yeah? What makes you think that?"

"Everybody wants something. Besides, you wouldn't be down here otherwise."

"All right, maybe. How's the reading going?" _Thank God she's sitting like that. Boobs always look better when a woman's bent over. That cot must suck though. Too bad Tits won't spend a few more credits to get decent bedding…_

"Haven't gotten very far, thanks to you bugging the shit out of me."

"Well…"

"It's ok. You got me the databases, so I'll put up with you."

"Well, gee thanks." He saw himself giving her a raspberry in his mind's eye. Just before his hands started tracing her tattoos. "Learning anything useful?"

"Not yet." She glared at him. "Maybe if you go away."

"Just let me know if you need any more databases. I'll be glad to help out."

Her jaw flopped open. "You're with _Cerberus_. Sounds like suicide to me."

"I'm not _with_ anyone. This is my ship, my crew, my mission."

"Cheerleader yells at you. 'Your' ship is loaded with Cerberus shitheads."

"You think I have any ties to the Illusive Fucker? Well, there's this whole saving my life thing, but other than that…"

"Yeah right."

"Look, I'll be glad to hire some underground hacker to get you more if you really want. I've got some encrypted stuff I snagged on Lorek that I could give you a copy of. I sent the data on to the Alliance, but kept a copy myself."

"I'm not a hacker, Shepard. I can't break your encryption."

"I want you to have it, Jack. As a token."

"Of _what_?"

"You hate Cerberus for some reason you haven't bothered to tell me. I'm not their biggest fan either, and I'd be just as happy to spread the worst dirt on them all over the galaxy. Just think of it as a family gift."

"Family? You mean, like a brother? You're creepy as hell, Shepard."

_Brother, lover, whatever. But remember what Kasumi said if you want to get laid…_

"Well, fine. Just take it as a gift from one Cerberus hater to another. You know that old saying, 'The enemy of my enemy…'"

"Better to just kill them all. It's cleaner, and a hell of a lot simpler."

"Good luck killing the Illusive Fucker. He only talks to me by hologram."

"Paranoid son of a bitch, isn't he? All right, fine. Why do you hate Cerberus?"

"Let's see… They unleashed a thresher maw that killed my entire unit on Akuze. Me and Toombs were the only survivors."

She stared at him.

"And then, I found out they did the same thing to another Alliance unit, this one under Admiral Kahoku's command—planted a distress beacon right in the middle of a maw nest. Kahoku traced them down, and when I followed his leads, a shit-ton of their operatives tried to kill me. We found Kahoku's body in one of their 'research' bunkers."

Her luscious, ripe lips twitched. Then she grinned. "They're a bunch of dumbfucks! How much did they spend to bring you back to life after they tried to kill you?

"Billions."

"Idiots."

"Yeah, that was my thought. But at least I got a ship out of the deal."

"Ever think of going pirate, Shepard?"

"You already asked me that. No. Not a chance. But we could turn it into a luxury stealth liner. Hot tubs… Scantily clad waitresses…"

"Creepy as hell."

"Why? You're barely wearing clothing."

"No, I mean you. So fuck off and let me read."

"All right, but just remember my offer."

"You mean to sleep with you? If this is about sex…"

_Let it be about sex, please! I love when a woman begs. Like Liara, that time after Ilos…_

"That's right, Jack. Everything's about sex. Anyone ever tell you that you're crazy?"

"All the time. So, if you don't want sex, what do you want?"

"Seems like I'm the only one on this ship who really hates Cerberus. I could use a buddy."

"A fuck buddy? Fuck off!"

_Damn… This faking thing is harder than I thought._

"Jack?"

"Fuck off, Shepard, before I fuck your ass off with a shockwave."

"Right. Happy reading!"


	13. Nadir

_Thanks, Lily Allen._

He should have known they'd be facing pain once the Illusive Fucker took control of the mission. He knew the asshole was holding off team-building information— five humans, a krogan, a salarian and a turian could hardly take out an entire race of predatory, creeptastic aliens—but he wouldn't cough anything up until they'd "investigated" Horizon. _The Fucker probably thinks I don't know this is a setup, but how the hell else would he have classified Alliance information? Anderson wouldn't even cough up Alenko's location to me._

"I need more people first."

"Not until you investigate Horizon, Shepard."

"I don't have time for this bullshit, Illusive Fucker."

"You get nothing until you've investigated Horizon."

"Great, trying to get me killed _again_, aren't you? Seriously, when are you fucktards ever going to make up your mind whether you want me alive or dead?"

"EDI has already locked the coordinates in. Good luck, Shepard."

"Fuck you. Fuck you very, very much."

First came the Collectors, the same assholes who shot him out of the sky. Then came husks. But worse, harder-hitting husks than the endless swarms he'd had to shoot down two years before. Grunt reeled under them while he sniped from a distance. Tits fired her little delicate SMG, but her stream of reckless bullets did nothing to stop them. _Yeah, great fucking idea, "stopping" the abductions. That's working so well, Illusive Fucker._ Finally, when he ran out of clips, his trusty Mattock came to the rescue. But fine, they lived, and he didn't have to waste any medigel as the respective hardsuits and self-repairing, boob-baring restorative Cerberus togs did their healing deal. Still, no signs of colonists. Not until they got sealed in by a malfunctioning door that kept them from heading back to the landing zone.

Tits glared at him as he hacked away on abandoned PDAs and bypassed security systems on a number of vulnerable safes.

"We don't have time for this, Shepard."

"We don't have the credits not to."

"The colonists are counting on us to save them."

"Have you seen any? I see a bunch of Collectors and husks. And empty buildings. Tell you what, you make sure the Illusive Man gives us enough credits to make the right upgrades, and I'll never hack again."

At that, she snickered. "The man's tighter with the credits than my jumpsuit. I barely had enough to finish building you."

He gave her a quick look up and down, and not just for emphasis. "That's damned tight, Miranda."

"Let's go shoot something!" Grunt said. "It's boring watching you hack."

And then they ran into the first of the frozen colonists. He shuddered at the brown, swirling gases that surrounded the man, far too much like the slum air he'd breathed for almost half his life.

"Frozen," Grunt muttered.

_You think?_

"They've been that way for a long time."

"Well, at least they haven't taken _all_ of the colonists," Tits said. "If we hurry…"

"Yeah, yeah. Let me get this safe first."

"Shepard!"

"You'd be dead if I hadn't hacked everything else in sight. How else do you think I could afford your shield upgrade?"

"Fine, you may have a point."

He had to admit the particle beam weapon he scavenged off a dead Collector corpse was pretty bitchin'. A hell of a lot better than the missile launcher that couldn't shoot straight. Just as well—the galaxy seemed pretty determined that he'd have to use whatever technology he scrounged immediately.

"Assuming direct control."

_Shit, sounds like Sovereign. Great, I'm fighting Reapers by proxy. Just great._

"Leave the rest, and focus on Shepard." _Fuck, the damned Reaper knows my name._

And then the world exploded with more and more of them in every last direction. They _flew_, those Collector bastards, and they seemed to take great pleasure in landing near Tits. He kept her covered as best he could with the Mattock, but it didn't do squat against the possessed Collector or those damned particle-beam wielding things. _Fuck it. Power cells are in short supply, but so are our lives. Thanks a billion, Illusive Fucker._ He'd thought krogan were supposed to be durable, but this Grunt didn't take a tenth the damage Wrex used to. _Should have risked Jack or Zaeed. That'll show me. Supersoldiers ain't what they used to be._

"Fuck yeah!" He grinned as the beam evaporated the possessed Collector. And then the thing possessed another Collector. "Dammit!"

"We're compromised!" Tits said.

"No shit?"

"Yeahhh! Right on your ass!" The krogan was really getting on his nerves.

So much for conserving artillery. And his sanity. He let loose with the particle beam and cut down _everything_, even though his shields were at nothing. _Fuck, you Cerberus assholes don't pay me enough to take this._ At least the Reaper talk stopped when the last Collector breathed its last. Not that it made anything better when they found that sniveling mechanic hiding away in the nearby bunker.

"The Alliance gave us a bunch of missiles and they don't work."

_Figures. Nothing ever works when I'm around. You hate me, don't you, God?_

"And they sent us that useless Alliance rep who couldn't get the damned towers functional."

"You're a mechanic. Why didn't _you_ get it working?"

"I don't do weapons. You've got the big guns. Why don't you try it?"

"We've got people to take care of it," Tits said. "Just tell us where to go, and we'll get right on it."

_Not mentioning the AI, hunh? Didn't think so._

"You should come with us."

"Come with you?"

"You know, as a guide. My hardsuit's map is shitty."

"Nah, I'll just get in the way."

_Cannon fodder. Perfect!_

"Fine. Just hide here. You'll just get in the way."

"That's what I said."

He scavenged what he could, including some more power cells for his new man-weapon, and more credits than the Illusive Fucker would give him for running this mission. And then he used them all on the endless nightmarish things that attacked them just on the other side of the bunker. The walking husk-head thing was the worst—the Scion. He shook off enough shockwave spit to drown the entire continent of North America, and it was every bit as noxious as maw-juice. Tasted nastier too, kind of like a cross between too-old cilantro and raw sulfur. He swore he'd spend the rest of his life on his knees in prayer if he never had to hear, "Assuming direct control" again. _Fuck, that's the most annoying thing I've heard in my life. "This hurts you," hurts my brain worse than my body._

"You know what would be a fun little joke, Miranda?" He bent over a terminal and started hacking.

"What, Shepard?" A sigh.

"I took a few recordings of Harbinger with my omni-tool. What say you pipe them in a constant loop to the Illusive Man while he sleeps?"

"I don't know where he is." But she cracked a smile anyway.

"Damn it!"

"Screwed up the hacking, Shepard?" the krogan asked. If the soldier hadn't been harder than stone, he'd have whacked him good.

"Never mind."

If he'd thought the battles before had been annoying, and overly-dangerous, the endless waves of Collectors and Harbinger-clones and husks and that damned huge Praetorian were hundreds of times worse. He could only sigh in relief when EDI finally got off her ass and started firing the Gardian towers because his breath had long since gone running the hell away from the constantly-nesting Praetorian. One hit had taken Grunt down, and he was on his last medi-gel when the thing finally blew up.

"Too close," Tits muttered.

"No kidding."

"The krogan's useless," she whispered to him as the mechanic decided to whine at them some more.

"Shepard. You're Shepard."

"You're standing in the presence of a legend, Delan, and a ghost."

"Hey, Kaidan!"

"Don't 'Hey Kaidan' me," his former third-in-command said. "I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did."

"So, how've you been? Horizon treating you well?"

"That's it? I'd have followed you anywhere. You were like a brother to me. Two years… You think you could have sent me a message that you were still alive?"

"Dude, seriously, I _was_ dead, but Cerberus…"

"So the rumors were true."

"And my uniform didn't give you a clue," Tits muttered. "Didn't you say he was supposed to be smart?"

"Come with me, Kaidan! It'll be just like old times, except I don't have any good Liara jokes anymore."

"Shepard… Cerberus? You know what they did to you. Kahoku."

"And I know that they're the only way I can fight the Reapers. The Alliance and the Council aren't doing shit to help the colonists."

"Reapers? What Reapers? All I saw were some hideous four-eyed things."

"Yeah, the Collectors. They're working for the Reapers."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"You think _aliens_ are working for Cerberus? Well, aside from Grunt here, and Garrus, and Mordin…"

"Typical Alliance attitude," Tits said.

"I didn't want to believe the rumors, but…"

"Hey, remember that time Liara's zipper failed in the middle of the mess?"

"Joke about it if you want, but I have a report to file. Take care and be careful, Shepard."

_Asshole doesn't even have a sense of humor anymore._

"Beam us up, Joker. I've had enough of this place."


	14. Withholding

"You're telling me you risked an entire colony to prove a theory? You used Alenko as bait? So maws and entire Alliance companies aren't enough for you anymore?"

"It was necessary to stop the Collectors."

"And I'm supposed to just trust you, Illusive Fucker?"

A long slurp off the ever-present whiskey glass, and a long, long, long puff.

"Well? I'm supposed to trust you?"

"I take risks when it's necessary. I had faith that you and your team could handle it."

Ssssssluuuuuurp. The sound embedded itself in his brain, where it transformed into a jolt. The hair on the back of his head stood on end as the jolt made its way to his spine. It lodged at the nape of his neck as the Illusive Fucker took a puff, and then shot its way down to his ass when the asshole took another long swig of whiskey. _What happens if I whack the bottom of that damned glass? I know—hilarity!_

"That shit's bad for your health. Wait, why am I telling you this, when it's better for me if you kick the bucket?"

"EDI confirmed a few things we needed to know. You saved Horizon, Shepard. You should be proud of your team."

"Yeah, that's nice. Half of the fucking colony's gone because of your little Cerberus bullshit gamble."

"Better half than a whole colony, which is what it would have been if not for our little trap."

"So you're sending them a maw to take out the other half? I don't get you assholes at all."

"Now, Shepard, I know we haven't had the best history together, but at some point you're going to trust my information."

"Unh hunh."

_That cigarette would look damned good put out on your forehead, or in those creepy machine eyes. Can't figure out which one would be better, though._

"Before you go, I have a few more dossiers for you."

"I knew it! Goddamn, you're a motherfucker, aren't you?"

He reached toward that fucking annoying cancer stick, but his hand whooshed through nothing. _Fuck, sometimes I forget he's a hologram._ He kicked at the floor, hoping he'd hit the projector, but then he remembered it was on the ceiling. _And I can't go get an ailing egg from Gardner either. We'd just be choking on sulfur reek for weeks._ As the Illusive Fucker stared at him over yet another slurp of his goddamned fucking annoying bullshit son-of-a-bitch endless glass of goddamned motherfucking probably stink-ass swill, he twitched. He'd never wanted to throw or kick anything so badly, well, ever. Even after finding Kahoku's body. Or finding out that the fucking maw that took out all his best buds was dropped there by motherfucking goddamned Christing Cerberus. And there was nothing but the endless swilling and puffing and that fucking smug-ass motherfucking grin hovering over it like a bad jack-o-lantern carving some little kid had fucked up trying to make it "scary."

"Three dossiers, to be exact, with specialists who will be essential to the rest of the mission." The Fucker looked at him with those creeptastic eyes and that bland smile, even though he was ready to take the _Normandy_ right then and shoot the shit out of that goddamned chair the Fucker always sat in.

"And you didn't bother to give them to me before, because…"

"You will find one of them to be of particular interest. The quarian passed our base requirements."

_Fuck you, fucker. Can't even answer a goddamned question straight, can you?_

"You're not going to answer the question, are you? You say you want me to trust you, but you do shit like this. You've already tried to kill me more than once."

"I trust your meeting with Commander Alenko went well, and you've put that behind you."

"That's none of your goddamned business. Who the fuck are you to ask me anything personal when you won't even answer a simple fucking question?"

"Look over the dossiers I've given you." Sllluuuuurp. And a long fucking slurp at that.

The Communications Room returned to normal, but not after the Fucker had taken another goddamned fucking long motherfucking toke off his cigarette. The Fucker seemed to take his goddamned time ending the transmission, and that smug expression never changed no matter how long he stared over his fucking skank-ass glass.

"Fuck," he muttered as he left the room.

At least Chambers had a huge smile for him when he tapped her on the shoulder.

"Are you all right, Shepard?"

"I'm just fine, Kelly. And so are you."

She giggled. "You really think so?"

"Oh, I might."

She flushed a little. So adorable! He couldn't figure out whether he wanted to bend her over one of the tables in the mess and ravish her into oblivion or just cuddle her like a teddy bear for hours on end.

"You have a few messages, and a few new dossiers."

"Yeah, so I found out."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I just want to whack things. Maybe I can find a new merc base to shoot up, or maybe I'll just mix a couple drinks for me and Kasumi."

"I hear your old friend, Tali'Zorah will be joining us."

"I haven't looked at the dossiers yet."

"But you want her to come with us, don't you?"

"Sure. Tali's a good friend and a damned good engineer."

"Mmhmm."

"Is there something you're trying to tell me, Kelly?"

"Just that I heard a little scuttlebutt…"

"I'd like to scuttle your…"

"Oh, Shepard, you just say the funniest things!" She giggled. "Go look at the dossiers, and when you get a chance, Miranda and Jacob would both like to talk to you."

_Well, at least it's Tits. Could be worse. Or she could want to see you to shriek at you for cussing out the Illusive Fucker. Shit. Right, dossiers._

A drell assassin, whatever that was. Tali'Zorah, now vas Neema, whatever that meant. _At least she's not an asshole, but, fuck, what if Jacob was right? Son of a bitch. Fuck._ And then his heart slammed hard. _Oh, fuck, YES!_

Samara, a justicar. An _asari_ justicar. He imagined the cleavage, the hot-as-hell voice, the cute curling of tendrils over the back of her head. Suddenly every last bit of pent-up rage vanished as he remembered _embracing eternity_ with Liara. _YES YES YES!_

Maybe working with Cerberus wasn't so bad after all.


	15. Embrace Nothing

He'd never looked so forward to anything in his life as he looked forward to Illium. Such wonders awaited—EDI had informed him the planet was run by asari—and his heart and his brain and his third leg all throbbed with anticipation. First there was the "justicar." _All blue, all wise and matriarch-y…_ Whatever a justicar was, it sure sounded cool, and after a thousand years of living, he could only bet that she could shoot better than he could, and could embrace eternity with equal skill. Then, there was Tits' twin. _Four times the funbags!_ And then there was a whole planet full of azure goodness. He paced his quarters when he should have been sleeping, paced CIC when he should have been commanding, and annoyed Kasumi when he should have been drink-mixing.

"Get out, Shep! You're no fun when you're a babbling idiot. And stay out, until you've had your fill of Illium!"

Finally, two days after the Horizon debacle, he found himself facing one of the most publicly naked asari he'd ever seen. And two hostile mechs. _Haven't I shot down enough of those things already?_

"Welcome to Nos Astra, Commander. I've been instructed to waive your docking fees."

_I didn't have to pay "docking fees" on Omega. What the hell?_

"My name is Careena."

"Well, helloooo, Careena!" The mechs' red eyes turned white. "How are _you_?"

"Really, Shepard? You're _that_ desperate?" The turian's vibrations grated something fierce on him.

"Keep it down in the peanut gallery! I'm trying to _work_ here."

"And failing miserably," Garrus said.

Kasumi snorted. "Understatement of the century!"

Careena didn't giggle in the usual asari fashion when he eyed her. Long, slow, and up and down. He lingered on her belly button for a second or two.

"Liara T'Soni vouched for your conduct…"

"And my skills? I've heard eternity's not so bad with…"

"And paid all your docking fees."

"W…Wait. Liara's _here_?"

"Her office overlooks the trading floor."

_Finally!_ Weeks after waking up, he was finally going to get some. He bounced his way along the long corridor to the trading floor. Garrus babbled some nonsense about Illium being just like Omega, but he was dead wrong. Omega had lots of asari, sure, but not the endless sea of blue and purple he saw in front of him, nor the endless chorus of lilting female voices. Kasumi said something about everyone being stuck up or something, but he was too busy taking in the sights of undulating hips and perky breasts, tight rear ends and fluid tentacles, to pay much attention. He'd have to stop to take in the sights a little better soon.

"Commander Shepard!" A blue woman wearing too much clothing hailed him, and he waved back. "I have a message…"

"I'll be _right back_, beautiful! I just have a couple of quick arrangements to make first."

"But, Commander… Your friend from Noveria…"

"Just a sec. Don't worry, I'll be back for you."

"Commander!"

"I'll never forget you, gorgeous. But I'll be _right back_."

The asari sighed. "I will wait. I've already waited two years right here…"

He eyed all the booths and the endless field of azure before him, but he didn't slow, even when he heard, "Holy crap, Shepard! Is that you?"

"Right back."

"You're alive? Remember me? Gianna Parasini?"

"Just a sec, Gianna. I'll be _right back_." Her back was quite nice from what he remembered, but it could wait a few minutes.

Discontented muttering followed him up the stairs to a purple and blue asari who wore far too much clothing.

"Do you know where I can find Liara T'Soni, sexy?"

"You find Liara T'Soni sexy?" the asari asked.

"Well, of course. But you are…"

"Hello, Commander Shepard. Liara will be pleased to see you."

"You're Liara's assistant, sexy?"

"Oh, you… I… Why, yes I am. Liara relies upon me to acquire useful intelligence." She giggled just a little, and he breathed a quick sigh of relief. At least he hadn't lost _all _of his touch.

"On Prothean artifacts?"

"No, _intelligence_."

"But she's an archeologist!"

A sigh. "She was _formerly_ an archeologist, but things have changed."

"So I can go in now?"

"Of course, Commander. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you."

"I can think of a couple of words. Usually they involve 'embracing' the future. An 'eternity,' even."

"Real smooth, Shep," Kasumi said as the asari snickered.

"I thought so."

He remembered the old days back on the original _Normandy_ when Liara wore that adorable and _tight_ tunic and leggings. But now she'd gone all dowdy, even though her dress hugged her rear. Long things didn't suit her. Then again, _clothing_ really hadn't suited her too well, pretty much the same as any asari.

"Have you ever faced an asari commando? Few humans have."

Somehow threats didn't suit that soft, girlish voice. Far more girlish than the typical asari. He swallowed the laughter that her next threat elicited, so that a huge belch interrupted the hologram's look of terror. Instead, the transparent man snickered.

"…before I flay you alive _with my mind_. Wait, Shepard! Nyxeris, hold my calls."

"Hey, se…"

She threw herself into his arms. "Oh, Shepard!"

"He…"

Oh, she felt _good_, her tongue a searing heat against the endless chill blue of his balls. He thawed fast, and his cup only barely contained the sudden surging beneath. _Damned armor_. He dodged as her tongue flicked, and let the tickle travel its way down his spine. She parried his stab and flicked in staccato toward the back of his throat. He grabbed tight and moved in deep for the kill. _Eternity_ in the middle of the office, with an audience, sang a soft siren's melody. He lurched below, and the sudden jabbing pain as his cup cut into his swollen balls meshed with the blue hand that pushed him back. _The hell? You really hate me, God, don't you?_

"So we'll take it to your quarters or the _Normandy_," he whispered just before she shoved him back.

"Not now, Shepard."

"Then when?"

"I don't see you for _two years_, and you're ready to pick things up where they left off?"

"Liara, I was…"

"Dead, I know. Everything's changed, Shepard, and I have things I have to do now."

"Like me."

"The ego's still the same, I see."

"Your slot on the _Normandy_'s crew is still open. They say you're an information broker now, and if so, you know why I'm here and what my mission is. I need you, Liara."

"You _need_ eternity." Her lips twisted into that adorable smile, and her eye did that little half-wink.

"Either way, you're it, so, whaddya say, beautiful?"

"I say I need you to do a little hacking for me."

_Fuck._

"And I say… I should go."


	16. Bambini Parasini?

"Shep, Shep, Shep," Kasumi said. "I thought you were golden there for a sec. Are you going to hack for her?"

"I'm going to…"

He didn't know what he was going to do. Look at some overly-clothed asari? Talk to the one who was from Noveria? Except she wasn't. He would have remembered her the way he remembered Shiala and her tight commando suit, Rana Thanoptis and her weird makeup, or Benezia's massive heaving cleavage. Have a chat with Parasini? Go get blasted at the club his map supposedly told him was upstairs?

"Shepard, that was pathetic," Garrus said. "Liara always worshipped the ground you walked on. Guess she overheard you hitting on her assistant."

"You think that's it? She never gave a damn before, especially when I flirted with Ash."

Kasumi glared at him. "That's low, even for you."

"Hey, I wasn't attached. She even told me she didn't want to 'embrace eternity' until a lot later. Besides, Ash just threw a bunch of regs in my face. Not my fault she wouldn't put out."

"You're a charmer, obviously."

"Such a charmer that neither would have a little private dinner in my cabin, let alone in the mess. Christ, you both act like either of them had even had coffee with me before Udina grounded me. Liara didn't even bother to kiss me before we mutinied."

"Asari rituals must be different," the turian said.

"Hell if I know. Hell if I understand anything anymore, especially women."

"Methinks the Shep doth protest too much."

"Methinks you need to stop reading those damned old books, Kasumi, and go for something a little more modern."

He tried to summon the conviction to face bright Illium daylight outside the archway, because on its other side, a woman waited whom he'd once stared at with the same gusto as he'd had when he'd ogled Liara. Two years ago. Two fucking years. _Enough years to get your sorry ass dumped. And dumped by an alien. Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, rejected by not just a woman, but an alien woman. Bet al-Jilani's ready to ambush me again._

Kasumi stared at him. "Worried you're going to get turned down, _again_?"

He hated how she could read him so easily.

"Of course not."

He forced first one foot and then the other outside the shelter of the building's entry. Maybe things didn't look so bad in the sun. He was still on a whole planet full of asari. He had a cute woman beckoning to him from her table, and a gorgeous asari waiting to give him a message. Maybe it was her contact information, or maybe… Nah.

"So, I said I owed you a beer, didn't I?" Parasini's smile brightened the day again.

"_Ciao_, bella!"

"Such a flatterer, Shepard."

"Gotta give him credit," the thief muttered to Garrus. "He recovers fast."

"Must be those Cerberus upgrades. Unfortunately they didn't bother to give him a brain transplant."

He shot the turian a glare before he refocused on those stunning shiny pink lips of hers.

"I thought you were dead. What's this new assignment? No, wait, don't tell me. It's probably top secret."

"Just doing a little colony saving, you know. Taking out the Collectors."

"First the geth, and now this. Damn, Shepard. Just, damn."

"Oh, you think it's impressive, hunh? Well, I happen to find cops impressive. I mean, enforcing the rules, making sure everything's in order…"

"Well, corporate crime's a little easier than that. Hey, that beer's for you." She gestured to a glass full of tepid blue liquid that didn't have the faintest hint of fizz. "I never did thank you for helping me with Anoleis… Oh, crap! I'll talk to you later. Drink your beer!"

She vanished in a haze of tight pink tunic.

"Struck out again, eh, Shepard?" He never could figure out how turians could smirk with their crazy mandibles, but Garrus had it down to a science.

"Guess I'll drink that damned beer after all."

"Can I have a sip?" The thief was a damned lush.

"No. This is _my_ beer. I earned it."

"By calling her 'bella?'"

"You don't think she is?"

"Not really, no." Kasumi smirked at him.

"I knew it! I knew you didn't swing that way!"

The thief pouted, her crazy lip-stripe thing taking over what remained in their pursing. She thrust her hip out, and as he ogled it with every last ounce of concentration, he choked down the "beer," or whatever the hell it was. At least it tasted better than ryncol, even if it was air temperature. Bleh.

"You outsmarted me, Shep," the thief said as he made a theatrical show of licking the last drop out of his glass. He relished her look of distaste. Or what he assumed was distaste in the shadow of her hood. At least she didn't have to actually taste that swill. "I didn't think that was possible."

"I need another drink."

"I thought we were here to recruit that justicar and an assassin." Garrus' voice just dripped with disgust as he said the last word. Like a vigilante was much different, aside from the whole getting paid for it thing.

_Hypocrite_. "Whatever."

The turian shook his head.

He slapped the glass back down on top of the ugly, handwritten coaster and headed for the nearest asari merchant. Maybe a little flirty-flirty would net him more than just a discount…

"Shep, aren't you going to look at that coaster?"

"Why? It's as ugly as that damned beer tasted like ass."

"You didn't see her slip a note under your glass? I thought Cerberus gave you top-notch eyes."

_Oh, hell yes!_ He hadn't been slipped a contact address by note since high school. He picked it up and glared at Kasumi when he finished reading.

"Isn't there a woman in this damned galaxy who just wants a good romp in the sack? Or do I have to 'help' them all first?"

"About that helping thing, Shep… When are we going to hit Hock's place?"

"Great, now I get to send that hot asari to jail. Just fucking great."

"Hock?"

"Later, after you don't sleep with me again."

"Never, then, Shep?"

Serrice Technology… He chatted up the asari, but his lower heart broke as he bit back his urge to talk about _eternity_. Still, before he sprung Gianna's trap, he wrangled a decent discount. As Kasumi oohed at a bunch of omni-tool upgrades, he finally asked about the illicit prototypes this Hermia had whispered about.

"Advanced, hunh? Just _how_ advanced are we talking?"

"Cutting edge, top of the line. And not available to the public."

"That's because it's still in development on Noveria." What was it with these undercover and thieving types, anyway? He swore Gianna must have some kind of cloaking device just like Kasumi's. "And illegal for export. Hello, Hermia."

"Parasini, you set me up! But this isn't Noveria. You don't have the authority to arrest me."

"Nope, but I can send you to the poorhouse."

"Can I get the schematics anyway, Gianna? You know, as a little thank you?"

"I have something else for you, Shepard. Come by my table when you've got a minute."

Now _that_ sounded intriguing, awesome illegal schematics or no. He hadn't embraced eternity in the human fashion for a hell of a long time. _Years_. _Shit, may as well call me Brother Shepard, celibate as I am_. He followed those sleek pink haunches back to the table and plunked himself down.

"Thanks, Shepard. I just _love_ busting asari, so ageless and superior until you nail them, then they squeal like little girls."

"I know. Isn't it great?" And then he realized she wasn't talking about the same thing he was. _Dammit!_

"Nothing like busting a criminal, is there?"

"I wouldn't know. It was good seeing you again, Gianna." _Please let Kasumi's dating advice work. Please, God, please. You haven't given me anything else…_

"You too, Shepard. See you around."

_Dammit!_ He turned away with a heavy… jockstrap.

The thud of sensible shoes followed him as he walked away. They sped up as he did, and he stared at shiny pink lips when he turned.

"Ah, hell with it!" she said.

_Hell with what? Oh…_ Soft lips pressed into his cheek, and he felt them when she stepped away.

"Much better than an autograph. Take care of yourself, Shepard."

And then she was gone.

"Wait!" he yelled after the retreating pink haunches. "I'll make a special trip to Noveria. Hell, I'll dock the _Normandy_ there permanently!"


	17. Eternity of the Mind

He should have known he was in for trouble the moment the asari warned him not to enter Eternity. _Eternity, heh, great name! But I'm not getting any of it. Fuck, now I really need a drink._

It didn't take long to find out why, either. He knew that curly blond head far too well and the voice still sent shudders down his spine. Most famous men get endless lines of screaming female groupies, but he had never been that lucky. Instead, he got one lunatic who insisted on autographs. On posed photos with his pistol drawn. Why couldn't he have been lucky enough for Cerberus to erase the memory of Conrad Verner? _Tits, you did your job too well._

"Look, I need the deed to the bar!"

"Can you take care of this loser before I slap his ass with a singularity?" the bartender asked. "Any damage comes out of my pay."

_Is that even legal?_

"Shepard? Is that you?"

"You have an admirer," Kasumi sang. "Isn't he adorable?"

No, but the bartender was damned hot. She had a certain _maturity_, and there was just something about a crusty, hostile female voice that made his cup feel tight. She reminded him of that older, but still smokin' waitress at the local diner back on Earth. She sounded like smoke and too much whiskey, and damned if her voice didn't make the back of his neck tingle. He was still staring at the asari when Verner burst into babbling.

"Shepard? Is that you? You're alive? I… The whole universe cried for you, Shepard."

"Conrad, why are you wearing my uniform?"

"Oh, this? Just a replica. Someone needed to be you. When you shoved a gun in my face, you showed me what it was to be truly _extreme_."

"What the hell are you talking about? I never…"

"I cried. We all did."

"I never shoved a gun in your damned face, Conrad. What the hell have you been drinking?"

"I'm working for an undercover cop now."

"Right, well, I'll just be go…"

"You can't just walk out on me, Shepard, like you walked out on the galaxy."

"I really don't have time for this."

The creep put a hand on his arm, and without thinking about it, he whipped out a pistol and shot the idiot in the foot.

"But Shepard!"

"I told you, _I don't have time for this_. Take this medigel and get the hell out of here."

"That was pretty extreme, Shepard," Garrus said as they watched the groupie limp out.

He sidled up to the bar and eyed the overly-clothed asari up and down. "So, I got rid of your problem. Got anything for me?"

"I'll open a tab at my employee discount."

"I'm not here to drink, beautiful."

"Hah! Haven't heard that word in a long time, handsome."

"Just how long we talking?"

Kasumi snickered.

"A century."

"Damn. Is everyone blind around here or what?"

"You don't get too many eyes on you once you've reached the matriarch stage."

His jaw flopped open and his tongue felt like it was going to splatter on the bar. "What's a matriarch doing as a bartender?"

"It's a long story. You up for it, handsome?"

"I… Sure, if it'll buy me a slice of _eternity_."

So she had a krogan father. Weird. But it explained the bluntness. And a commando mother. And was a father. He swallowed at that one. He really couldn't figure out what he thought of that whole asari impregnating other asari thing. _Like snails. Or worms._ But they were a hell of a lot nicer to look at than Earth's slimy hermaphroditic critters. The stories were pretty interesting, and her thoughts about what young asari should be doing. _Shaking their asses in clubs for a few centuries…_ Not that he had any problems with watching asari dancing, and he'd spend centuries staring too if he had the lifespan. The more he listened to the matriarch, the more he wanted to recruit _her_ over Tali. And gravity was her friend.

"You still up for a piece of eternity, handsome? You're not going to make any babies."

_Oh hell yes!_

"Definitely, if you're in the mood."

Her eyes went unfocused, and the familiar blackness started to form.

"Wait, we're doing this right here?"

She nodded.

"Who am I to deny them a show?"

She swept him away in a cascade of memory, of krogan yelling and asari biotic fields, of time and hints of lovers. _Holy shit! Is that Benezia?_ He choked at the hint of another asari in memory. The daughter, freckled and pale blue. He knew where all the other freckles were too. _Oh fuck oh fuck… I'm doing Liara's dad!_ He shoved back from the bar as his memories entwined with hers and he reached for one of the drinks at the end of the bar.

"Can I get another one? Got any ryncol?"

"Shep, you just got eternity, and you _still _have to get drunk?" The thief stared at him underneath her hood.

"The savior of the Citadel. So _you're_ Shepard," the father said.

"Just make it a strong shot, hunh? Anything that puts me under the table is good."


	18. If It Wears a Mask, It's a Ninja

"I appreciate the thought, Tali, and I feel the same way. But you don't have to prove anything to me."

"I know. Well, not that I know, but I didn't mean it like that. It's, um… Wow, it is really hot in here."

_I know you quarians have climate control in your suits. Just turn it down!_

"It's just that the tradition also signifies a willingness for, um, intimacy. I wasn't trying to… It's not always like that. It's more… How did we even end up talking about this?"

_Fuck, Chambers was right. Jacob was right. How the hell do I get out of this?_

"Wait a minute. It sounds like you're suggesting something, Tali." _I should have recruited Liara's dad. Dammit!_

"What could I _possibly_ be suggesting? I mean, a young woman gets rescued by a dashing commander who lets her join his crew and then goes off to save the galaxy? How could she possibly develop any kind of interest in him?"

He remembered Kasumi's dating tips and cringed. _Unattainable. Son of a bitch. Son of a big, huge, whelping bitch!_

"Look, I'd like to, Tali, but you'd just get sick. Maybe it's better if…"

"You said you'd like to."

"But, I…"

"I'll do some research, and maybe we can…"

"I should go, Tali."

"I'll get right to researching, Shepard," she called as he dashed for the door.

* * *

_Tits is not going to like this…_

This time, he mixed yellow with blue and just a smidge of green before he handed the shotglass to Kasumi. His own glass contained a muddy blend of green, purple and orange which he slammed down without even pausing. Then he limbo-swallowed a bottle of yellow.

"Tali's babbling about you, Shep. If you hurt her…"

"Look, I tried to let her down easy, but she wouldn't take the hint."

"Shep, Shep, Shep." She clicked her tongue behind her teeth.

"What? I did!"

He chugged a bottle of green and was gratified when everything finally wavered around him. _To hell with you, Cerberus! I didn't want this metabolism!_

"And so Tali's finally met her Jacob. Poor thing! She's so sweet. Are you sure you can't find it in your heart to…?"

"What? No! Tits and I… I mean, Miranda…"

"Maybe it's better you don't, then. Miranda deserves better than you. And Tali _definitely_ does."

"Goddamn it! You act like I'm trying to score with the quarian! I told you a long time ago, I like my women to _survive_ sex, if not actually enjoying it."

"I've heard quarians use special vibrating things with other species so they don't have to take off their suits."

"Vibrating?" He shuddered. "That's how they do it? Christ in a sidecar, that's creepy!"

The thief took a delicate sip of her muddy concoction. "I'm going to regret this, but have you thought about pretending to want to sleep with her? You know, become _attainable_?"

"You think that'll work? All signs point to no."

Time to seek a little solace in a certain favorite counselor. Just the sight of her buoyant, shiny hair made him feel a little better, and he knew when she turned around, that her smile would send him bouncing through the ceiling.

"Hey, Kelly!"

"So you and Tali, Shepard? She's adorable, isn't she? I just want to hug her."

"Go do it. Please!"

"And maybe do more than hug, though that beautiful suit might get in the way."

"Wait a minute! How the hell did you know that she…? You're watching all the spycams, aren't you?"

"My job is to monitor the crew. Informally, of course."

"Seriously, go say hello. Go say more than hello."

"You're such a _sharing_ person, Shepard. Thank you!"

"Easy come, easy go. Now go to her. Hug her. Whisper sweet nothings in her speaker thing."

"You're really ok with this?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely! Please, take her."

She eyed him, a saucy smile on her lips. "You seem awfully eager, Shepard. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I… um… What are you thinking?"

"Three's company."

"Oh, God, no! Really, I think you two will be very happy."

* * *

"Hey, Tali, got a minute to talk?"

"Shepard! I… Of course!" She beckoned him to the engine room.

_Good—at least I can shut her down in private._ Nothing made his stomach lurch more than the thought of Donnelly and Daniels yukking it up over her broken heart.

"I was just thinking how much it means to me that you…"

"Listen, Tali, I really like the idea of jumping your bones, but…"

"But I don't share."

"Good, neither do I. I think Ti-Miranda will be happy to hear that."

"If you want me, you'll have to break it off with Miranda."

"Not a ch…"

"I can't say how much this means to me, Shepard."

_Fine, Kasumi, we'll try it your way._

"I want you, Tali. And Miranda. In the same room, right here, right now. I'll just bend you over that panel there and give you the ride of your life. Where's the comm button?"

"You have an… interesting imagination, Shepard. I… um… Let me just switch this on." Her voice vibrated even more.

_Ugh, eww!_ He felt himself shrink up into his body.

"Tali, I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm more of a casual guy."

She giggled. "I remember your humor from the real _Normandy_. I'm… um… glad Cerberus didn't break it."

"I'm not kidding, Tali. You and Miranda, right here, right now! She'll like your vibrations."

"Oh, Shepard!" Another giggle.

* * *

"You want to sleep with a _quarian_? Shepard, you know I…"

"No! No, I don't! You're the only one I want."

"You really like aliens?"

"Well, asari, but…"

"I thought we had something, Shepard." He hated the way her lip quivered, mirroring the delicious movement of her chest.

"We do! Dammit, I was trying to let her down easy, but she's like a damned Rottweiler! Quarians really aren't my thing, Miri. I mean it."

"Go break up with her!"

"I've tried, dammit! She does _not_ take a hint. I thought if I suggested…"

"Bending her over a panel? You really like that?" Tits stared at his crotch, and he felt himself unfurling in her gaze.

"_You_ over a panel. I could give a rat's ass about her."

"You've been listening to that thief again, haven't you?"

"Yeah."

She smiled, a rare expression for that perfect face. "You really don't understand women, do you?"

"I try, but…"

"You're hopeless. Should I put her out the airlock? She's a good engineer, but…"

"But she's creepy as hell. What do I do with her?"

"You're the Commander."

* * *

_Goddamnit, goddamnit!_ The cussword ran over and over and over and over like a litany in the elevator down.

"Tali, I've been meaning to tell you…"

"How much I mean to you?"

"No! Look, I like humans. A lot. Miranda and I…"

"But you like me more. I understand."

"No! I…"

She slid a hand up his chest. "I like humans a lot too, Shepard."

_Fuck_.

"I'm not giving up Mi…"

"I'll always be here, waiting for you, when you do."

He vowed never to visit Engineering again.

_Note: Out of sequence again, but I'm just reminded of this after getting railroaded by Anders in DA2. Yes, this did happen to me, and it was the moment that my Josh really did become a ho._


	19. Wrong Way

"I thought you were supposed to go the other way," Kasumi said.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?"

The thief grabbed his arm and stared up at him with those creepy, sexy eyes. Creepy in that sultry, shadowed way. "I thought you had a map built in to your hardsuit."

"Yeah, well." His eyes sought the closest asari and stayed there, no matter how the thief demanded his attention with her insistent throat clearing and endless cuteness.

Maps. How he hated maps. His hardsuit map mocked him with its complexity, the entire layout of Illium's trading floor laughing at him as he tried to position himself within its expanse. Map Reading 101 had been his nemesis back in officer training on Arcturus, and had it not been for a particularly sizzling, torrid affair with the teacher's assistant, he'd have flunked out. _Linda, damn, how long has it been? _ He felt her ass tickling his hand as he wallowed in the memory of naked her.

"I thought you'd be all over that asari, Shepard," Garrus said.

"Tell me where to find her!"

The thief let go of his arm and pointed at a door far away from the two asari he feasted on as they puttered away behind their desks. "There."

"You need something?" A dusty-eyed asari asked.

_Not bad. Really ugly eye junk she's wearing, though._ "You, baby."

Her eyes narrowed. Too bad—it just made the dust she'd caked around her eyes all the more prominent.

"We're looking for an assassin," Garrus said. "Word is someone named Seryna knows something about him."

"Just go through the door, Shep," Kasumi said. "Your asari waits over there."

"Still, this one's kind of, well…"

"An assassin? Tana, cover for me. You're interested in an assassin, hunh?"

He checked his omni-tool. "I'm more interested in you, honey. But, yeah, I'm supposed to find an assassin by the name of… Krios."

She coughed up more information on the assassin's whereabouts, and spouted out some hateful nonsense about what a rotten whore that sizzling Nassana Dantius was. _Please, she's flaming hot! No hot wench is a bitch. I have to go save her!_

"If you want the assassin, you're going to have to wait," Seryna said. "Have a drink, a snack!"

"That means you have something, don't you, beautiful?"

"We have our best shot after dark," the asari said, her voice harsh. "Go somewhere. _Eternity_."

"What? No! Not Eternity!" He saw that freckled face again in memory and shuddered.

"No bad jokes about _embracing_, eh, Shep? This isn't like you."

"Look, it's better to stay here. With you and that Tana. I'm not going anywhere."

"Great, just great," Seryna said. "Are you sure you wouldn't like a drink?"

"With you? Of course, beautiful!"

"Goddess. Look, I have to get back to work. I'll meet you later. Tell you what, if you hate Eternity, there are a couple of small outside cafes just on the other side of the trading floor. Here, let me mark it on your map."

"I've heard there's this great asari concoction that's special to Illium, made of ten different colors. Let's go, Shep!"

"You sure we don't have time to get the asari first?" Garrus asked.

"No! Drinks!" Kasumi giggled.

"I can't drink any of your swill," the turian said.

"Fine, back to the ship with you. Maybe Miranda will appreciate a good drink. And I'll need her later."

"Fine, I have some calibrations to make, anyway. Everything's out of alignment."

Tits had no trouble finding them. She didn't even need to consult her omni-tool for directions, much to his burning shame. "We're to wait, Shepard?"

"Yeah. How about a drink?"

"Ten colors, Miranda," the thief said. "_Ten_. And they're not mixed, they're layered. I've heard you can mix them, and the flavors bloom even more. Can you imagine what the glass looks like with ten colors all muddied up?"

"Yes, like mud," Tits said.

His crotchplate tightened as he imagined Tits splashing around in a big tub of clay. What was that called? Foxy boxing? _Her suit clings so tight with the brown dampness that her nipples stand out in sharp relief, and her hair is plastered to her scalp. She brushes a thick coating from her face, and smiles. A feral goddess, carved out of genetic engineering, a work of art worthy of Michelangelo._

"Shepard."

"Wha?"

"Shep!" the thief chimed in. "Hello, drinks!"

"You lush," he said.

"You haven't been mixing right lately. I need my fix."

So, two turns and some stairs. Or an elevator. Shouldn't be too hard. He walked and walked, the two women dead silent behind him. _I thought women were supposed to gossip all the time! What's with these two? _ It should have been simple, one left turn at the end of the corridor, and one right. The stairs should have been right there. Instead, he faced a wall. A wall without a terminal. Why would a corridor end at a blank wall? The asari made even less sense than he thougt.

"I'm not seeing any cafes, Shep," the thief said.

"This is a repair corridor," Tits said, checking her omni-tool. "Are you sure the asari gave us the right directions?"

"This doesn't match my map." He brought up his own with difficulty and cringed at the flashing dots half the floor away.

"My god," Tits said. "_How_ do you mess up something so simple? Two turns, Shepard. Two!"

"Yeah, a left and a right."

"No. Two rights. Shepard, perhaps I should navigate us back."

"Please," he said. He tried not to make it sound like the pleading it actually was.

_Why couldn't Cerberus upgrade my map-reading?_

He only breathed when they'd settled into an empty outdoor table and Kasumi sipped happily away at her ten-layer drink. His own he'd stirred with his finger at Kasumi's insistence, and Tits shook her head as the thief cried out, "Mud! It's mud!" Unfortunately, it tasted as much like mud as Parasini's god-awful outdoor temperature beer. He'd hoped Tits would be put under by her own drink, which she'd tossed back in a single motion, but she seemed ever sharp and ever alert. _Damned genetic engineering!_ He knew what was coming, and he dreaded it.

"_How_ did you get us lost, Shepard? A drunken chimpanzee could follow those directions."

"Look, just blame yourself. Cerberus didn't upgrade the right things."

"How can I be at fault when even a toddler could find their way here? No one is that horrid at reading a simple map. No one."

"Apparently there is one," he said. "And you should have fixed it."

"You follow your hardsuit's directions on missions, Shep," Kasumi said. "You've never gotten us lost."

"You don't find all those words and pictures confusing? My hardsuit gives me a nice, simple arrow to follow."

"Most people know how to read," Tits said. "It's a shame you can't."

"Look, it's pictures and arrows and lots and lots of words, all too small to be anything more than a blur."

Tits turned the bright white of her napkin. "Akuze. You ended up far from your unit. _That's_ how you survived? You got lost?"

"I thought you said you survived because you were good at holding your breath," Kasumi said.

"Well, um, both, actually."

"And this is the man we're counting on to save us from the Collectors," Tits said.

"Give me an easy arrow to follow, and I'll take 'em down. Give me one of these convoluted maps, and…"

Tits gripped the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "If that's what it takes."

His upgraded hearing picked up the rest. "The Illusive Man's a moron." And for once, he and Tits agreed.


End file.
